I recently helped a customer purchase a Toshiba laptop. The laptop came with an upgrade to Windows Vista. All you had to do was register at Vistaupgrade.toshiba.com and they'd send you the software. What could be easier? Little did I know the depth of darkness and horror into which I would plummet. Herein lies my tale.
To:
mstupvistana@moduslink.com <mailto:mstupvistana@moduslink.com>
I purchased Toshiba Satellite m115, serial number zXXXXX, coa# XXXXX-XXX-XXX-XXX will not authenticate on vistaupgrade.toshiba.com. So how do I get an upgrade to Vista sent to me?
This is the first email from moduslink. I have five more virtually identical emails. I've culled them as they are quite boring.> VS-Lost Order
> Dear Customer,
>
> Thank you for your interest in the Upgrade Redemption Program.
>
> We are currently unable to locate your order, please verify your order number and include your name and Certificate of Authenticity number. The location of the Certificate of Authenticity (COA) sticker may vary between manufacturers. The COA Number can be found on the sticker near a barcode. It is a 14-digit number, usually beginning with three zeros, in the following format: 00000-000-000-000. Then email
mstupvistana@moduslink.com <mailto:mstupvistana@moduslink.com> with the information requested.
>
> Regards, Upgrade Redemption Center
Sometimes, you have to show them you mean business.To:
mstupvistana@moduslink.com <mailto:mstupvistana@moduslink.com>
Subject: It's not lost, it just flat out doesn't work.
I've tried to place this order through the web upgrade procedure and I keep getting "We're sorry, but we are unable to validate your COA number."
Well, I'm sorry, but that is my COA number. It says so right on the COA label, just like it says on your COA example, both of which I've checked, rechecked and verified quite a number of times now. So, unless I bought a laptop from Best Buy that has a pirated version of Windows XP, which would be very bad, my COA number had better be valid.
So, here's the details, just so you can check this again:
Toshiba Satellite M115
Serial Number zXXXXX
COA XXXXX-XXX-XXX-XXX
Here's the Product key, just for good measure:
YABBA-DABBA-DABBA-DOODOO
Please tell me how to get my upgrade to Vista given this information. If for some reason this is not possible, I need to know exactly the reason that it is not possible.
Thank you
Jonathan Porath
Sometimes showing that you mean business is like farting in a hurricane:>
> Dear Customer,
>
> Thank you for your interest in the Upgrade Redemption Program.
>
> The location of the Certificate of Authenticity (COA) sticker may vary between manufacturers. The COA Number can be found on the sticker near a barcode. It is a 14-digit number, usually beginning with three zeros, in the following format: 00000-000-000-000.
>
> Regards,
>
> The Upgrade Redemption Center
Must... control... fist... of... death...Dear Moduslink "Support":
As I have already said twice, I have the COA #. I even gave it to you below. I'll give it to you again:
Toshiba Satellite M115
Serial Number zXXXXX
COA XXXXX-XXX-XXX-XXX
Here's the Product key, just for good measure:
YABBA-DABBA-DABBA-DOODOO
See the line three lines above this? Where it says COA#? That's my COA number!
It's your authentication website that is faulty. Now how do I escalate this to somebody who can actually do something other than tell me to look for my authentication number?
Ire and rage are apparently lost on these folks.>
> Dear Customer,
>
> Thank you for your interest in the Upgrade Redemption Program.
> We have not received a copy of your proof of purchase. Please submit a copy via the instructions listed below. In addition, please include your order confirmation number with your proof of purchase. We cannot complete your order until we have received this information.
> Email: email a scanned copy of the confirmation page and a copy of your receipt to:
>
>
MSTUPVISTANA@moduslink.com <mailto:MSTUPVISTANA@moduslink.com>
>
> with the following in the subject line:
> Upgrade Redemption Center POP
> Fax: Fax the web confirmation page and a copy of your receipt to:
> 801-431-5616
> Mail: Mail the web confirmation page and a copy of your receipt to:
> Technical Upgrade Program P.O. Box 1918
> Orem, UT 84059-1918
>
> Regards,
> Upgrade Redemption Center
Well if you can't beat them, flog them too!Dear Sir or Madam:
Perhaps I am not making myself clear. I cannot place an order with you because your web page says me COA is invalid. Because I cannot place an order, I cannot give you a confirmation number, nor can I scan or fax you a confirmation page.
Before you give me, yet again, instructions on how to find my COA number, please understand that I know where my COA number is located. It's your procedure or COA database that is incorrect, not my COA number.
It is with considerable restraint that I write this. The ineptitude that Moduslink has displayed in rectifying what should be a simple problem has left me reeling. I know that I am not the only person with this issue, in fact there are thousands of us. Everybody on the entire web is complaining about how Moduslink has dropped the ball and, in fact, is actually nothing more than a shell corporation for a warehouse full of feces flinging orangutans. Of course, that's not my opinion since I think that's doing orangutans a severe disservice. How Microsoft partnered with a company so grievously inept is anybody's guess.
So tell me, how do I go about submitting my information to this process? I cannot use your web site, so how do I get a confirmation number?
Here's my computer details yet again because I'm hoping against hope that somehow somebody with the at least the correct number of chromosome pairs will read this.
But I'm no longer taking wagers in your favor.
Toshiba Satellite M115
Serial Number zXXXXX
COA XXXXX-XXX-XXX-XXX
Here's the Product key, just for good measure:
YABBA-DABBA-DABBA-DOODOO
Warmest regards,
Jonathan Porath
Care to guess the response? Oh come on, you know what it is!>
> MSTUPVISTANA wrote:
>
> Dear Customer,
>
> Thank you for your interest in the Upgrade Redemption Program.
>
> In order to further assist you please Provide your COA number. The location of the Certificate of Authenticity (COA) sticker may vary between manufacturers. The COA Number can be found on the sticker near a barcode. It is a 14-digit number, usually beginning with three zeros, in the following format: 00000-000-000-000.
>
> Regards,
>
> Upgrade Redemption Center
I'm sensing something non-human is responsible. How about a little test?My Dearest MSTUPVISTANA:
Erotum scrotum brutum, catchum un rattum and cookum. Fillimi bonibelli dominos for the biscoom belli selleth all his dominos. If ahdanode yudawantedavewent idaseedatacha gitta gotta go. Blooogororata matta doowaaaa yog sototh chthulu yamana hamana fistula HA!
Toshiba Satellite M115
Serial Number zXXXXX
COA XXXXX-XXX-XXX-XXX
Here's the Product key, just for good measure:
YABBA-DABBA-DABBA-DOODOO
With all my heart,
Jonathan Porath
Joy! Rapture! I love these guys!> MSTUPVISTANA wrote:
>
> VS-Lost Order
> Dear Customer,
>
> Thank you for your interest in the Upgrade Redemption Program.
>
> We are currently unable to locate your order, please verify your order number and include your name and Certificate of Authenticity number. The location of the Certificate of Authenticity (COA) sticker may vary between manufacturers. The COA Number can be found on the sticker near a barcode. It is a 14-digit number, usually beginning with three zeros, in the following format: 00000-000-000-000. Then email
mstupvistana@moduslink.com <mailto:mstupvistana@moduslink.com> with the information requested.
>
> Regards, Upgrade Redemption Center
I've had enough. Time to go plaid.My Darling MSTUPVISTANA
Oh my poor stinging head. I don't think that I have ever encountered a company that is quite as sadly hopeless as moduslink. This is beyond feces flinging monkeys. You folks have achieved the status of the remains of the feces flung by rabid monkeys once the feces itself has fallen to the floor. Yeah, wet flatus, that's about the size of it.
So tell me, are you actively trying to enrage customers or are you just so very good at it that you figure why not just go with your strengths? Hey, you've scuttled the contract, Microsoft will never want you back, nor will any right-thinking corporation, so why not just yank as many chains possible to see how far you can push people? It's the ol' click your heels together three times as the ship is sinking gambit. It doesn't do any good, but if you can get enough people to join you, at least you can crack a smile at the ridiculous twits shortly before you all drown.
Ok, let's try this again.
You cannot find my order because I cannot place an order because your useless stinking rotten web page says my COA number is invalid. Probably because some glue huffing programmer fell asleep on his keyboard and typed in 40000000 random letters in place of actual data. Please, I am begging you, do not tell me where to find my COA number because you've already told me a dozen times and if you tell me even one more time, I am personally going to drive to whatever rathole Moduslink is based in and personally show your CEO where I found my COA number.
Here is my COA number for yet the fifteenth or sixteenth time. Fix your useless web order processing page. While you're at it, sterilize yourself, tell your boss he is an incompetent nincompoop and call Bill Gates and laugh at him for picking a company as terminally brain dead as Modulink. While I have you doing things, please poop in a bag, wave it over your head and sing Ta-ra-la-boom-di-yay at the top of your lungs while dancing the funky chicken on your desk and shoving your finger up your nose to the sixth knuckle.
It doesn't really matter what I tell you to do, because I know that NOBODY is reading this. All I want is my Vista stinking upgrade. ****sob**
Here is my name: Jonathan Edward Porath - please address me as Sir, Yes Sir!
Toshiba Satellite M115
Serial Number zXXXXX
COA XXXXX-XXX-XXX-XXX
Here's the Product key, just for good measure:
YABBA-DABBA-DABBA-DOODOO
Now that I've given you this information, tell me: What's your name? Where do you live? Can I come by and get a snack sometime?
Regards,
Jonathan "I'm King of the Stinkin' World" Porath
More to come as it develops.
