Sayings to put a smile on your face

[Carnut]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian,
you should have remained a "virgin."
-   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


                                                           
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:  'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 
- Eleanor Roosevelt   


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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. 
- Mark Twain


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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns


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Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge


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Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain


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By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates


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I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for
a jury.
- Groucho Marx


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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante


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I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar
and fat.
- Alex Levine


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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield


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Money can't buy you happiness...  But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan


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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath


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I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope


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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields


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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress. 
- Will Rogers 


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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill


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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...  But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or
spread out..
- Phyllis Diller


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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal


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And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.