Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting.
At least I got home OK!!
The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next s**t could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.
Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
