Writing will make you neurotic. Laconic. It will make you anaphoric. But you can escape the obsession and angst through humor. Yet you're still missing the sentence that illustrates your sarcastic intent.On top of this frustration, writing in the second person necessitates extreme pretension from here on to give an illusion of erudition. Hopefully, however, the reader will forgive this vulgar informality and entertain delusions of wit. Have existential faith in him.
But faith is no substitute for a thesis statement. Because, as any writer can tell you, the most important part of a paper is the author’s ability to create a clear, concise thesis statement, that, while although entirely too verbose, is able to summarize the point trying to be made in one, seemingly run-on sentence; sometimes, if feeling especially voluble, add in a final semicolon and clause that could probably be done without.
That last sentence is going to be tough to follow, although often, a writer’s first sentence following the thesis is his best. A superfluous citation of an oddball professor from deep into his esoteric meanderings could lend credence to the paper, but, as Professor Reilly posits, "Points like this are too complex to be reduced to one sentence…which is why we have ellipses" (Reilly 784). One could take this route because the alternative, using logic, makes a person vulnerable. On the other hand, innovative ratiocination is the only way to come up with a new idea. Remind the reader of the paragraph’s point, but make it more vague so it appears to have proven something it probably has not. Speaking of vagaries, this would be the apt time to mischaracterize Nietzsche, just in case your paper is being read by an aspiring intellectual who has recently discovered that God is, in fact, dead. So, while you've scored some brownie points, because there is no heaven, it doesn’t matter. Freshman year teaches him a lot.
A caveat is needed to lead the reader into the next section of the paper.
Avoiding abstruse reconditudes is key to cogent analysis. You figure that the vast majority of readers are probably tuned out now, which gives some leeway to make grammar errors. An appropriate place to furtively split infinitives in the passive voice is here, but be sure to pay tribute to White’s Elements of Style because there is no doubt that the question as to whether needless words are unnecessary is one that is answered by the concise omissions of verbiage. But it’s fine; you’re just being ironical. By making tangential arguments, your second paragraph can go awry; not only do you risk further alienating already alienated readers, but confusion becomes more likely as the sentence winds down. Thankfully, you are able to save the paragraph by using an extraneous sentence to tie everything back together. And one more to wrap it up.
This isn’t the home stretch. But you’re almost there. Don't be fooled by the location of this paragraph. Because now readers start tuning back in. Thanks to an homage to Hemingway. Readers figure that the first and last paragraphs are the most important, and don’t really care about the others. Too bad. Because when you could have been making some profound points and perspicacious observations, you were busy with misplaced ostentation. As a result, you are forced to over-compensate towards the end of the paper by sounding your most intelligent. If you are able to craft a carefully deduced syllogism, then irrespective of the validity of said argument, or the a priori status of this supposedly apodictic axiom, readers will think that you know what you are talking about a posteriori.
Onward!
Don’t think now. Just pound out whatever feels right. In fact it doesn’t even really need to be on topic. Bare it to those capricious people we call critics – or at least appeal to them through pity. Having a sentence to tie in that last one into the overall theme of your essay would be nice, but by now the reader has simply forgotten about that awkwardly placed sentence. It doesn’t matter, however, because now you are in the clear. Only a handful of words stand between you and the end of your paper. And provided no unforeseen roadblocks, you will be able to write a concluding sentence. And make it a good one.
April 23, 2007
Max Raskin [send him mail] goes to high school in New Jersey.
