Concours d'Negligence

It's not unheard of for an elite automotive enthusiast to labor for years restoring an automobile just so that it can be shown at Pebble Beach or Amelia Island. I am not that kind of enthusiast. More normal enthusiasts are satisfied spending a couple weeks detailing for a local car show. I'm certainly not that kind of enthusiast either. Heck, I'm lucky if I even run my car through the local Suds 'N Scrape. No, I'm the kind of enthusiast whose toy is in the garage in so many boxes that they are starting to be filed according to archaeological era. "Hmm… this appears to be from the late Bilstein era, maybe towards the Polybushing eruption. If we find a fossilized strut bearing then we'll know for certain."

So that means the car I chose to display at the German Car Day at the Larz Anderson Museum in Brookline, MA was my everyday Audi A4 Avant 1.8t. Even the most indiscriminate eye can ascertain that it has undergone four years of continuous, labor intensive modification. I can honestly state that this German Car Day was the culmination of those labors. Luckily, the labor is not my own; it rests squarely on the shoulders of my four-year-old daughter. She is the impetus and creator for what can only be called: The Mommy Mods.

There were a few people who took one look at the unwashed, overburdened and seemingly neglected Audi perched precariously on the show hill and uttered a solitary "Why?" These folks obviously missed the point: I needed a ride and I wanted a good parking space. But it was so much more than that. I view my Audi as an example of American Life Exemplified in Debris Stratums. For instance, how many Audis do you know of that have a Magic Stick? Mine does. In the trunk there resides four feet of Atlantic Drift Wood capable of feats of conjuring that are far beyond that of normal sticks. I would show you, but I am no Wizard. Next to that are the jewels. Granite, quartz, mica schist and hardened mud constitute the Porath Royal Jewels. We keep them in ziplock bags for safety. How many cars do you know of that are capable of sustaining life for weeks or months? Look under the seats and you'll find enough food to keep you fat and happy for quite some time. Thirsty? Suck the carpets. Mmmm… a delightful mélange of aged milk, orange juice, coffee, something sour and, could it be? It is! Just the right touch of filth! The taste is balanced by a bouquet that is reminiscent of jackal breath. What we have here is life. Really. If you watch carefully, you'll see the carpets crawl.

Mommy Mods go far beyond that. The A4 has a full alphabetical compliment of improvements (crud) that have been installed (spilled, dropped, smeared and splattered) to make the car (dreckmobile) all that it is today: a paean to Suburban Happiness (inexcusably filthy and an obvious indication of overindulged sloth). In no particular order, other than alphabetical:

Apple Core from the Indeterminate Era

Burned something or other. Probably not animal.

Crud. Creeping varietal. Possibly caustic.

Dunkin Donuts Detritus.

Ex-edible from some distant past. Now hairy.

Fingerprints filed randomly on all windows. Noseprints too.

Gross - what the hell was that?

Hope that will come out. Doubt it.

I'm sure that is permanent.

Jelly. Jello. Junk. Jetsam.

Looks like something the cat threw up. Maybe a lung.

Muck, mung and more stains that I can't identify

Now that's just sick, if it's what I think it is.

Oddly enough, that's still edible.

Peanut butter from the Pleistocene era

Quisp. (I thought they stopped making that decades ago.)

Ralph.

Schmutz.

That should not be in your mouth. Remove it immediately!

Unidentifiable without a mobile crime lab

Vomick

Wow. How did that get all the way up there?

Xena (our cat) hair

Yellow substance of no known earthly origin

Zymurgy spill (mine) (Hey, you'd drink too if you had to clean this crap up.)

So, to all the admirers of the sort of silver Audi on the hill, think not of it as a pristine example of the marque. Rather, regard it as a realistic, ongoing life-art project that denotes urban desperation, early 21st century parenthood and easy to clean durable leather interiors. Oh, and one lazy sonofagun who didn't want to walk all the way from the parking lot.

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